he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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