I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
