worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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