Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
