I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
