Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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