As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
