He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm passing your future prison.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
