trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
