my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
