I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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