I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
