Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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