please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
