Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
