walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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