Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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