Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
