Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
