if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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