Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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