I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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