Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
