one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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