She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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