We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
