He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
