All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
