Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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