I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
