don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
