I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
they're like a gay fantastic four
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
