if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
