i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
