He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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