Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
tell me about the eggs
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
