i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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