sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Randomize
