ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
where am i from again
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
