Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
