i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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