Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
