Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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