I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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