I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
