Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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