I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
