your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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