weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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