Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
