These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
