Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
