oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
