i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
