i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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