i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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