Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
