I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
