He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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