wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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