so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
